French parenting methods

The 10 Most Important Rules for Working Moms

Everyone who has children dreams that they sleep at night, accept the word “no” without tantrums, behave decently at guests and restaurants and eat with appetite what they cook for them. And it would be nice if they did all this not only under my mother’s strict guidance, but also independently. Because it’s time for mom to go to work, or she already left, or she didn’t leave work at all.

The author of the absolute bestseller “French Kids Don’t Spit Food,” American Pamela Druckerman, convincingly proved that French parenting methods can help to cope with most parenting nightmares.

Pamela presented her new book French Parents Don’t Give Up. One Hundred Parenting Tips from Paris. Especially for Forbes Woman, she formulated the 10 most important French rules for working mothers. Exclusive tips from a successful writer and mother of three in our gallery. And as a bonus – a recipe for a Parisian dessert that children of all ages love.

1. Rule one: there are no perfect moms

A working woman always strives to embrace the immensity: to be an ideal mother and at the same time make a successful career. In fact, she works in two shifts – in the office and at home. I think all career moms are familiar with this feeling. So, French women have a favorite aphorism: “Ideal mothers do not exist.” Don’t try to be perfect. And this is the most important, fundamental idea.

And don’t take a child’s childhood as the beginning of a marathon, the end of which is admission to a university. The French, of course, want their children to be successful, but they do not try to make the child go through the natural stages of development by leaps and bounds in the evenings after work. For example, a child is not taught to read and write until the age of six. French women believe that it is much more important to instill in the child such skills as concentration, sociability and self-control before school. Firstly, it does not require any specially allotted time, but is simply an integral part of the upbringing process. And secondly, it is these abilities, and not the ability to count to a hundred and back at three years old, that create a solid foundation for a child’s academic success.

2. Rule two: you should always have your own source of income

In America, for example, it is customary to believe in a fairy tale about a miraculous marriage as a synonym for a calm, carefree life. The main thing is to successfully marry and get a good husband with a stable salary, and you don’t have to work there. In France, it’s not like that. French mothers are convinced that a woman absolutely needs her own source of income. Even in the most successful marriage with a wealthy and loving man, a woman should think: “What if one day everything collapses?” She should have a profession, a job, or some other stable source of income just in case. French mothers are sure that this is extremely important, and above all for the child. A French woman quickly goes to work after giving birth, because she wants to know for sure that she can provide the child with everything she needs if she suddenly has to raise him herself.

This position is extremely pragmatic and there is not a drop of French romance in it, but it helps a lot to live.

3. Rule three: you can’t devote your whole life to a child

Maternal care for children is a great illustration of the principle of infinity. We will always try to help them, always. This is such a voluntary eternal sacrifice. But French culture is based on an extremely important idea: any person (and especially a parent) needs time and space only for himself. Moreover, it is not allocated according to the residual principle: if I do this, this and this to the children, then at the end of the day I will allow myself … Or: only when I have done everything possible for the child, I will allow myself … No, by no means!

To maintain balance in the family, it is extremely important that some part of life is only yours, belongs only to you. It could be work, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be any of your hobbies or socializing with friends – anything, I don’t know, growing orchids. The French are deeply convinced that if you devote all your time to a child, if your world revolves around him, it is very harmful and even dangerous – first of all for the child.

4. Rule four: moving away from the child from time to time, you become a better mother

If a child gets used to the fact that you are always next to him, all the time involved in what he does, and live with him every second, he will not learn independence. Moreover, he will not learn to be attentive to other people, to notice their needs, he will not learn to empathize. Any French woman intuitively feels: from time to time moving away from the child, she renders him an invaluable service.

It is very important to understand that this is not some kind of radical position. By no means do I urge Russian women to immediately drop everything, go to a spa resort for three weeks, take care of themselves and forget about the child. It’s about calmly admitting that if you spend all the time with someone – no matter how much you adore each other – sooner or later you will begin to annoy each other. And this applies not only to you, it applies to your child to the same extent.

How effective this simple rule is to take a break from each other from time to time, I literally just experienced it myself. One of my five-year-old twins and I were on vacation at my mom’s last week. She went with him somewhere for two or three hours, and when we met again, we were so glad to each other, we had something to share. Short separations bring freshness to relationships! It is always a new experience and impression, it is a breath of mountain air, a source of energy. And this is a necessary condition for the strength of any human relationship, including the relationship between mother and child.

5. Rule Five: Forget Guilt

There is no point in feeling guilty about the fact that you work. It’s a completely destructive feeling that won’t change anything anyway. You still will not have more time to communicate with the baby. The main thing you can do is to really be with your child when you are free. Not just attending a walk, chatting on the phone with a friend, but really spending time with a child. You should not worry about the baby all the time when you are at work, you should not reproach yourself for the fact that you are not only a mother, but also a colleague, girlfriend, wife. The only thing you probably owe your child when you are around him is to be calm and be “here”.

Also nurture patience in your children. I used to think that this is an innate skill that you either have or you don’t. The French, on the other hand, perceive patience as a kind of muscle that can and should be trained, and from a very early age. Do not jump up from the table if you are working, and the child asks to see which tower of blocks he has built. Gently explain to the baby what you are doing and ask him to wait a little. At first it will wait a few seconds, but then minutes. He will learn to entertain himself while waiting and deal with his frustration. For a child, this skill is vital, the French believe: only in this way will he learn that he is not the center of the universe, and learn to grow up.

6. Rule Six: Don’t Become a Taxi Mom

This rule is directly related to the previous one. Do not try to compensate the children for their own absence with a huge number of circles and developmental activities. Parisian women, when choosing extracurricular activities for their children, always weigh how this will affect the quality of their own lives. A mother who carries her child from one circle to another all day long will never be called selfless in France. Moreover, they will not appreciate if she does this to the detriment of her work. They will say about such a mother that she has completely lost her sense of balance. Yes, and such sacrifice is absolutely useless for children. Of course, it is useful for a child to go to the pool or to music lessons, but they must certainly have time for independent games at home. Excessive psychological and physical stress will harm the child.

7. Rule Seven: There is a part of a parent’s relationship that the child is not involved in

Never forget: at the heart of the family is a married couple. Always find time to be alone with your husband. In France, all parental space belongs to the child only for the first three months. By analogy with the presidential term, the French call this period “the first hundred days.” At this time, the child can sleep in the same room with the parents and even in their bed. But after the baby is taught to sleep in his crib and in his room. Your marital bedroom should be the place that belongs only to the two of you. Children may not enter their parents whenever they please. The child must know for sure that parents have a part of life in which he does not participate.

A French woman once told me: “My parents’ bedroom was a sacred place in the house. I needed a very good reason to go there. Between parents there has always been a certain connection, which seemed to us, children, a great secret. I think this is very important for the baby. After all, if he considers that he already knows everything and there is nothing mysterious in the adult world, why should he grow up?

8. Rule Eight: Do not require your husband to participate equally in household chores and childcare

Even if you work as much as your husband (and even if you work more), don’t demand that he spend as much time at home and children as you do. It will cause nothing but discontent and irritation. Unlike, say, American women with their feminist attitude, French women are greatly helped by old-fashioned pragmatism. Of course, many Parisians would gladly put more household chores on their husbands, but many mothers have long agreed with the inequality in the division of duties. And it makes life a lot easier for them. General harmony in relationships for French women is much more important than equality in rights. They perceive men as a separate biological species, even the best representatives of which are naturally incapable of household chores.

This doesn’t mean that men don’t do anything. French mothers believe that there will be fewer conflicts in the family if everyone has their own household chores, albeit unequal in terms of effort and time. Do not demand more from your husband than he is willing to do for you. Better hire a visiting housekeeper, and have sex yourself once again.

9. Rule Nine: The evening is adult time, and one day off a month is your “honey weekend”

All French parents I know have a free weekend just for themselves once a month. Neither work nor children are involved in this. Put things aside, send the kids to grandparents, take the kids with a nanny out of town, or go out of town yourself. Lay in bed, sleep in, have a long and happy breakfast, watch a movie… let yourself relax and do nothing. All French parents arrange such a homemade honeymoon weekend once a month. And most importantly, they absolutely do not feel the slightest remorse about this. This is a completely natural and normal pastime, even for very loving parents.

The rest of the time, French parents are very strict about ensuring that the children go to bed at the same time. After an evening story or a lullaby, the child should lie in bed. “Adult time” is not a hard-won rare privilege, no, it’s a basic human need, a parental right, if you will. The French are convinced that the key to a happy family is happy and loving parents. Sincerely explain this to your children – they will understand.

10. Rule Ten: You Are the Boss

This is the most difficult (at least for me personally) rule of French education. Realize that I make the decisions. I am the boss. Not a dictator – this is essential (!) – but a boss. I give children a lot of freedom where possible, take into account their opinions and listen to their wishes, but I make the decisions. Remember this. At the top of your own family pyramid is you. Not kids, not your parents, not teachers, not nannies. You and only you command the parade.

Of course it’s difficult. This is a daily struggle. I still conquer my little army again and again every day. But I now know for sure that children develop best within well-established boundaries. They feel much more confident and calm when they know that an adult is at the helm. Learn to say “no” firmly and confidently at key moments. Learn to calmly but firmly tell the children what you will do now. You will immediately understand when you succeed – you yourself will feel like a boss.

11. Favorite children’s recipe from Paris

At the end of Pamela Druckerman’s new book, “French Parents Don’t Give Up,” there are a few recipes that kids eat in a Parisian nursery. The food is prepared from scratch every day and served as a four-course lunch: a cold appetizer, a main course with a side dish, cheeses and a fruit dessert (for children under one year, the lunch consists of two courses). Children’s nutritionist adapted the amount of food for a family dinner; each recipe is for two adults and two children.

Here is a recipe for pear-banana puree straight from Paris.