The meaning of relationships

Relationships are not about making you happy

What is the true meaning of the relationship between a man and a woman? Perhaps you have not even thought about it. Let’s try to figure it out together.

Once, one of the readers of the Medium platform, Alex Buck, asked: “What are the reasons for being in a relationship with someone? What should be the meaning of such relationships, and their ultimate goal? What can be the answer to such a question? In fact, we simply cannot give a universal and suitable answer to it, because it very much depends on who you ask and what approach to life you practice in general. Too many people, entering into a relationship, think first of all about what they can get from their partner, and what he is supposedly obliged to do – regardless of the circumstances.

Conservative approach

“The meaning of relationships is to create a cell of society and maintain social structures – for example, the indispensable entry into marriage and the upbringing of one’s own or adopted children.” People who practice this approach to their personal relationships and life in general are often the ones who are most concerned about setting clear boundaries, goals, and the direction in which their relationship is moving. They certainly want to know “what is the meaning of all this” and “where are we going.”

The Mutual Dependency Approach

“The meaning of personal relationships is in the search for your “second half”, a person who will complete you and smooth out all your sharp corners, will become the whole universe for you.” This approach is usually practiced by people with a worldview of eternal lack, a lack of something applicable to themselves and their lives, and they are always looking for something (and someone) that can fill the void they feel. This approach often seems rather romantic to others, but in fact it is rather unhealthy.

The self-centered approach

“The meaning of personal relationships is to be happy,” or “personal growth,” or, say, “the satisfaction of one’s sexual and other needs.” Because, well… it’s the easiest way to become better by “using” someone else, or at least “looking at yourself through someone else’s eyes”, isn’t it? The Fear-Based Approach

“I don’t want to be alone” or “I don’t want to die alone” for example. People who practice this particular approach treat others as either living “airbags” or threats from which these “pillows” should protect them.

Nihilistic approach

“They don’t make any sense.” What else can you say? Such people also start personal relationships, and even create families, but why they do this – often even they themselves cannot understand.

Healthy Approach

The main problem with all of the reasons for having a relationship with anyone above is that they all – from happiness, status and security to engagement, sex, children and the fear of dying alone – put responsibility for the quality of your life and emotional well-being into the hands of someone else, putting it all out of your control. Reread the most common approaches to life and personal relationships listed above. If you choose any of them, then, it turns out …

Your happiness depends on someone else.

Your safety depends on someone else.

Your sexual satisfaction depends on someone else and his/her desires.

The meaning of your life depends on someone else.

The fullness of your life depends on someone else.

Your lack of loneliness depends on someone else.

And also think about what could happen if a black streak comes in your life together. Given that other people, even those who are our partners in personal relationships, are beyond our control, making a fair amount of our own emotional well-being dependent on external circumstances – such as the actions and behavior of another person – is at least reckless.

The only person you have complete control over at all times is yourself.

Dependence is not love, no matter how much we would like it to be. Control and love

What if the point of a relationship is something you could always and unconditionally keep under your control, for which you can be fully responsible under any circumstances? For example, to…

Just love – both yourself and others.

To enjoy with your loved one the great journey called life, with all its rainy and sunny days. Both fit perfectly within the framework of personal responsibility for our own emotional needs, and does not require you to either pass them on to someone else or step back from them. Both do not let us forget that we ourselves control our own lives, being responsible for it in any circumstances, no matter good or not.

And in fact, the meaning of love (not completely, but at least partially) lies in the concentration on:

Your efforts and responsibility.

What you can do for your partner, not him for you.

Too many people, entering into a relationship, think first of all about what they can get from their partner, and what he is supposedly obliged to do – regardless of the circumstances.

True love means taking responsibility not only for your own happiness, but also for the happiness of the one with whom you decide to connect your whole life, at least partially. It is to never forget about yourself so that you have something to share with your partner. It is always to devote time and effort to your own emotional well-being, and then invest it all with your significant other, not expecting anything in return, but knowing that you will get back much more than you gave.

Is this enough to determine the meaning of life, or at least the meaning of relationships? I do not know. But loving myself and those I deem worthy of my love day in and day out definitely makes my life so much richer… and is probably reason enough to not go through life alone. For me, that’s right.